How the Heroes of Silverton met a War Pig

How the Heroes of Silverton met a War Pig


September 4, 2018

This week’s installment is brought to you by the people that bring you The Nythonian Enquirer and Empire International.

“Now, no I am not saying anything like that at all, don’t go putting words in my mouth.  I never said those people had anything to do with the wagons being burnt, the people being dead, or those two yungins going off and being kidnapped.  I said they was there, that was all that I said.  Don’t go be putting words about things I not be saying as words that I be saying or I’m not going to answer no more of your questions.  You got me?  Good.”

“Now”

-Clears throat-

 “This is what happened as far as I recollect, I saw them people come walking up, all fast like weapons out.  I don’t care what those folks from ORC say, you know “Orcs Respect Culture”?  Yeah, those people are crazy.  Orcs came and attacked the wagons I was with, they killed people, they ate people, I mean ate them while they was still alive.  You ain’t heard a thing till you heard a person scream while an orc calls out “Fresh Meat!”  Gross!”
 
“Now, where was I?  Oh, yeah, the group of folks come up.  I never would have known those were those people, you know the ones that made Darkshelf safe again?  I wouldn’t call them no heroes or anything, I think they be a bunch of people that see that something needs doing and they done it.  I mean, I see a wagon needs driving, I drive it.  No one calls me a hero for doing my job, I see it as that is their job, ya know?”

“Well, that old Merchant guy, can’t remember his name, he be breathing his last breath, all gaspy like.”

-Takes a drink of ale-

“Now, I don’t know exactly what who or what does what.  Them fellas, and by fellas, I mean there are men and women there, I don’t mean to be all wrong about women.  I like women, OK?”
 
“As I was saying, them fellas they are all over the wagons.  Now I am going to guess they are looking for people to save and not looking to rob no one.  That wouldn’t be right.  I never hear nothing bad about them, on account they don’t do bad things, right?  Anyway.  One of the women, I think she is a Witch, not one of them bad ones down by the Fens, no a good one.  She starts doing things…”

-Interruption-

“No, I don’t see her cutting up a cat or a baby, not even a goat.  Can I tell this story or you gonna keep interrupting me?  Alright then.”
I saw the one, a woman, draw something on the ground near the hurt fella.  And as quick as you can say “Bob’s your Uncle.”?  That man?  He be up and about and the arrows they no longer be stickin him like he was a pin cushion.  A Miracle of Magic I tell you.  I don’t care what them other fellas say about magic being bad, that there?  That was some good as you please magic.”

“Now some people, not me mind you, some people might be calling that there woman a witch.  No, me, I be calling her a savior.  Wish she could have done more.”
“You might be asking yourself now what am I talking about?  Well, you see, the man, once he got to be breathing a little bit simpler, he told them people a tale.  A tale of woe, a tale that would get their hearts a pumpin, a brains a working, and that thrill part of their bodies a movin in the wrong direction.  He told them his girl got herself taken by some orcs, not ORC, but orcs.”

-More drinking of ale-

“Well, I tell you, I needed to know what was going to happen next.  I did.  So this group of elves and people.”  A breath taken “Well now I don’t know about you?  I don’t know if I trust a lot of elves.  Now, I am not saying that they are all lying people.  You can’t say that about everybody and think it is going to stick.  I do know you can’t tell what an elf is thinking by looking at them.  Their faces are all funny looking.  You know what I mean?  You can’t read their faces and no what they mean to say when they aint saying it.”

“But!  They do tell this fella they are going to go and get her kid back for them.  When they leave, I follow.  I aint got nuthin better to do, I mean I aint got a job or nuthin.  Yeah, yea, I am hoping for some left overs.  Maybe a purse left behind, a good sword, something, anything I can sell now that I aint got no job, ya know?”

“Right now?  This aint no lie, none what so ever.  They came up, the nice peoples, the what you call them, the Anti-Kidnappers.  They come up to a place in the road, not that fur from the place they was out and in the middle of the road are some orcs.  now, one of them fella orcs?  He be a big ole one.  I mean Big.  He didn’t have any problem being big now either.  No sir.  He had some wily orcs with him too.”

Now this next part?  I never did see nuthin ever like it before or after.  One of the burly men, he be a big fella, I mean really big.  Not as big as that orc person, but he was close.  Anyway, the big orc fella, he got a sword, one of them fancy Orc-Scimitars and an Orc-Axe.  I can’t be a sure why it has its own special name, it does.”

-More ale-

Now this fella takes out a huge, big, sharp looking and it is glowing blue sword.  Scares the dickens out of me it does.  Doesn’t scare the orcs no Sir-ee Bob it does not.  In fact, it annoys the pis, wait sorry, might be some wee ones.  It makes those orcs even madder, like ground bees soaked by a bucket of water it does.
The rest of them, I mean that big fella isn’t by himself, they all start swattin at the orcs with their arrows, spells, swords and what not.  I don’t know much about stuff like that, it was pretty, I mean the spells being tossed back and forth like that.  Well, not a lot of forth, a lot of back though.  Back at the orcs.”

-deep breath-

That is all that I know about that.  I mean the good guys won, the orcs are dead.  Not a one lived to tell the tale.  I do know the daughter, she wasn’t with them and they high tailed it on to see about doing the rescue I guess.”

“yeah, they seem to be pretty decent folk.  I doubt though they did half the things people say they did.  I mean, I watched fights before and well, it isn’t they aren’t bad at the fighting, it is more they aint that good at it either, ya know? “

“Sure, you can pay me now, yeah, that is how it happened.”



A little bit further along the road this report comes from another Eye-Witness his report taken by the Nythonian Enquirer and the Empire International.

“Yeah, just like I told you, I’m Blake and I’m a sheepherder, yes that means I herd sheep.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, before you say something about sheep, know I have heard them all before, OK?  My grandfather and father, uncles and whatnot have all been shepherds, it isn’t like I was going to runaway to the sea and join a circus or something, ya know.”

“So, yeah, I work for Mr. Clemmons and his family on their ranch, yeah, it’s a sheep ranch, people got to eat mutton and they want wool, don’t they?  Anyway, a group of orcs came running in and before anyone knew it?  They had murdered everyone but Ms. Clemmons, and I didn’t want to think what they wanted to do with her.  You hear things, ya know?  About orcs and their habits.  All I saw is that they took Ms. Clemmons out, chained her to the well.  I’m sure they didn’t think about Daisy, I mean if they had they would have taken Daisy out right away, you know?  I mean she is a War Pig and a nasty one of those to boot.  Ya know?”

“So, there was a big orc outside the house, the big one, the house and the orc.  I didn’t want to know what they were doing inside the house.  Anyway, I’m standing there, working up my courage when out of nowhere?  This guy?  He kills the orc on guard duty.  Now I know you don’t do things like that when you are by yourself.  I’m a guessing he is part of an army.  Wow was I wrong about that.  More of a squad of entertainers from clown school.  It is a wonder more people didn’t die, ya know?”

“So, this big fella, he draws a big sword, glows blue.  Now I was in the Army, so I know that the sword is a long sword, but when it starts glowing, the orcs start yelling, well that sword?  Looks huge.”

-breath-

“A whole bunch of the orcs go after this guy.  Now, I don’t know what was going on, maybe the guy hadn’t seen a pretty woman in a while or something, I don’t know.  This guy starts running for Ms. Clemmons, you know, chained at the well?  Well she wants nothing to do with him.”

-starts laughing-

“Yeah, this is where things get, you know, funny.  The big glow blue sword guy?  He turns and runs full tilt into the side of the house, the sod house, doesn’t get all the way through and there is this body image of him marking the side of the house.  The other guy, trying to rescue Ms. Clemmons, well you would think she thought he was an orc or something the way she was keeping away from him.  That guy decides he has had enough, he goes in and tries to tackle Ms. Clemmons.  Well, he does, he forgets though she is still chained to the well, so they both go spilling backwards and, on their ass, I mean their butts.”

-still laughing-

“So, by this time?  Daisy?  The War Pig, she has had enough.  Daisy was raised by Ms. Clemmons for a long time, bottle fed, the whole bit.  Daisy sees the woman she loves and feeds her is in trouble and she rams her way out of the pen and charges the guy that was attacking Ms. Clemmons.  When Daisy is done with him?  She goes charging after someone else.  I’m pretty sure Daisy girl took down at least 3 more of those “Heroes”.  It was one funny thing I can tell you."

“Yeah, after some more hootin and hollering the orcs they are all dead, even the really big ones.  There was nothing to be done for all the stock that got kilt and et up.  Nothing you can do.  Ms. Clemmons wanted noting to do with her saviors, guess that is what happens when you try to rescue someone that has their own War Pig, ya know?”


A tale told by …. Brother Sin…


“I didn’t see all of it, I only saw a small portion.  I saw one of those Nythonian Snake People get hammered by a bit of wood and metal.  I say good times.”

“I saw orcs drag a young woman into a cave.”

“I saw a bunch of zombies come out of the ground and attack some Heroes, I’m not saying they were good heroes or bad ones, just what I saw.”

“I did see an Orc calling the dead from that old grove, I knew that place had been turned.”

“The zombies are put to rest, the Demonologist either got away or got his do.  I couldn’t see where I was hiding, I didn’t want to get all caught up in it.”

“Hey, I hope those fellas and gals are all alright, you know?  Just none of my business.”


“We don’t make the news, we report the news.”

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